my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
