I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
