Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
