He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
