Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
