You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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