puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
