It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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