Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
