Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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