I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
