apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
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