How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
