Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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