if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
