I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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