you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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