my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
