Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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