tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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