Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize