I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Bring me that man meat
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
