the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
