also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
