The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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