I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
