I can text with my tongue
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
