Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
