I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She bit a glass in half.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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