I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
