just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
