when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
