I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
