you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
