I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
