I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
