You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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