3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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