How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
