Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
