So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You made out with two different species that night
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize