Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
