I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize