So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
