yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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