operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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