Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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