I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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