I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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