Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
