he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
