we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
