Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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