All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
