Cold hands, warm shart.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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