she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You're like the curious george of whores
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
