separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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