I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
soo... how was my night?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
