Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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