I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
