Me too!
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I want her autograph on my taint
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Text me some of your sweat
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